Spring Cleaning + Spring Romancing = A Good Excuse for a Wardrobe Makeover

Spring is officially in bloom. We’ve entered that season of cleansing and renewal — when we get our rooms and lives in order, when we stow away the reminders of the winter, and when we finally trash the specters of last year’s stunted relationships and replace them with hope for new romances. As the warm weather prompts us to shed the layers and show more skin, it’s worth it to consider the items in your wardrobe and ask: would I wear that on a date? I’ve come up with a few “go-to” articles of springtime clothing that are as great for daytime dates as they are for more “serious” evening outings.

WOMEN:

My pick for a "starter" shirtwaist dress. The "Reed Shirtdress" available at Anthropolgie.com, $118.00.

  • A Shirtwaist dress Eternally classy, easily transitional, subtly masculine, always feminine, the shirtwaist dress has been a staple of the well-put-together woman’s wardrobe since the 1930s. Sundresses are best for the days after Memorial Day, and the wrong print can make you look like a teeny-bopper, while a shirtwaist dress screams sophistication a la Audry Hepburn. A solid color or a pinstripe is the most classic and the most versatile, though if you’re brave enough, opt for a print. A wide leather belt, boots, espadrilles, some chunky statement jewelry, whatever your heart desires is all you need to make this classic silhouette venue appropriate, or less Upper East Side and all your own.
  • A peasant/hippie blouse La vie de boheme is never passe, and boho chic has never been chicer thanks to the “cool to be Green” movement. A fine cotton, embroidered peasant blouse easily pairs with a denim jacket. Wear it with those boyfriends jeans and some sandals if you want to invoke the carefree “love not war” attitude of the cast member of “Hair” for a Sunday in the Park. If you want something urban rather than earthy, you still have your skinny indigo jeans and killer ankle boots from winter to turn to. Come summer time, tie on your espadrilles, zip up a pair of shorts, and a toss on a straw hat and you’re still good to go.
  • Denim Motorcycle jacket from Current/Elliot. Tory Burch makes a stellar one too

    A middle-wash denim jacket — Not too dark, not too light, the classic jean jacket is probably one of the most important things in your closet. Great for those spring mornings and evenings when the temperature is still a little temperamental. These days, designers are doing great things with this essential — asymmetrical zippers, detailed sleeves, strategically-placed hardware, etc. The boxy cut is always in fashion (and means you can thrown a thin sweater on underneath in the fall), but look for something with curved piping at the back to keep the silhouette feminine.  Of course remember the classic rule — never match your denim jacket with your jeans.

Essential Accessories:

1. slouchy boho purse in a light brown leather — a few tassels don’t hurt

my own well-worn and deeply-loved Dunks

2. Nike Dunks — the essential weekend shoe in my book, great for taking in the new warm weather on foot. In these, you’ll actually be able to keep up with him and be ready for a pick up game with his buddies. opt for some bright colors, avoid black.

3. Thin, non-wool scarf — time to shed the pashmina and wrap some silk around your neck

—-

MEN:

No one really does a classic leather jacket like Andrew Marc
  • A non-black leather jacket — every guy needs at least one leather jacket. And, if you want to stand out from the traditional New York crowd, make your one leather jacket a brown leather jacket (unless, of course, you think of yourself as a young Marlon Brando). A soft, tan-colored motorcycle jacket is young, masculine, and sophisticated. It dresses up the most casual of outfits — your favorite white tee, faded jeans, and sneakers go from sloppy to cool in an instant. It also easily transitions into Fall when matched with a sweater and dark jeans. I vote for suede because it’s lux and tactile — she won’t be able to keep her hands off you.
  • the boot-cut jean –– Time to put away those slim-fit dark jeans, and go back to the classic, more relaxed fit of the boot-cut. Chose middle to light washes or textures that replicate linen. If they fit well and you chose appropriate accompaniments, they’re as smart-looking as those indigo jeans you treat as dress pants.
  • The short-sleeve button-down — Right now, these come mostly in plaid, but a determined shopper can easily find a pinstripe or solid (Banana Republic has some good ones). Something with a military inspiration is  universally useful and timelessly chic. If you  want to wear a tie, I guess you still can, though might I recommend tucking it in (between the second and third button) to invoke a vintage feel (think 1940s army) rather than a hidden hipster alter ego.
  • the essential denim shirt, front pockets and all. This one is from Martin & Osa, $89.00

    The denim shirt — An American staple. Wear it as a shirt or as a light-weight jacket over a tee. To avoid looking like you just stumbled in off the ranch, don’t tuck it in. Roll the sleeves and throw on some aviators — you can’t go wrong.

“All truly great thoughts are conceived by walking”

I believe in walking.  I walk with purpose, even when I’m walking simply for walking sake. I walk briskly, even when I have no where in particular to go. And I walk daily, whether around the town or up and down my backyard. It’s about the fresh air, it’s about the calorie burn, it’s about “setting up house in the heart of the multitude, amid the ebb and flow” of the city, it’s mostly about the escape.

One of the things I like about traveling abroad is that I get to see the world by foot. A plane and a car may get me to a city, but once I’m there, it’s my feet that take me for a wander down streets, through museums, and across parks. A few weeks ago I was in Germany during the worst part of the year, the most “off” of the tourist off-season. Despite the cold and the snow, feet were still the most efficient mode of transportation. Heading out at dusk to grab dinner, I was rather taken with what seemed to be a widespread evening ritual. Husbands and wives, bundled up and out on the street, walking arm in arm. The couples were mostly “older” (>40) and never seemed like they had any particular place to be. I was in one town for 3 dinners, and each night the same husband and wife would tip their hats to me as I headed out for some Saxon potato soup.

Maybe this isn’t a German phenomenon, but if couples head out arm in arm daily at dusk in New York City, it certainly never stood out to me before. Holding hands? Yes, I’ve seen that a lot. But hand-holding is ephemeral. Arm in arm is a more committed and sturdy physical union, and it’s a NYC rarity. But maybe that’s because  people in the Big Apple seem to move too fast to walk arm in arm with anyone else.

So by the 4th German city and the 8th German dusk, I had got to thinking…

Carrie Bradshaw wanted someone to stand still with (skip to 7:39), but I think it’s nicer to have someone to walk with. Someone who doesn’t mind ambling 7 blocks with you to get a latte, even when the best cup of joe on the Upper West Side can be easily found at the cafe not 15 meters from your front door. Yes, it’s a lovely idea to have someone to walk with. Not next to, but with — arm in arm, heading down the same road together, both leading and supporting one another as you travel through the day and into the night.

Is there a reason why everyone wants me married off?

D: “I can’t wait for your wedding. The food is going to be  great!”

Me: “You’d better not be counting on my wedding day for your next meal… you’ll probably starve to death before we ever get round to an hors d’oeuvre.”

in the middle of a gym workout

HK (age, 17): When you get married, can I be your flower girl?

Me: When I get married, your daughter can be my flower girl

upon finding the broken sapphire necklace my father gave her some 20 years ago…

Mum: I can salvage the sapphires and have them made into your engagement ring.

Me: Who’s proposing? And when can i meet him?

Mum: I had a front-runner in mind.

Me: Oh, boy. Can I just have the sapphires now, ya know, before I start holding my breath?

Ruth A: Let’s pray together. (takes my hand and we form a circle) God, please lead this young lady to a wonderful man, may they marry and be happy. Amen

Me: Do you think we can do that again? Maybe this time ask if I can have a good job and lead a good life? I wouldn’t mind a loyal dog either.

Board Games & The Brothers Grimm, or, When I believed Happily-Ever-After Meant Tiffany’s and Vera Wang

In 1993, I was 8 and Cadco had just released “The Perfect Wedding” — a simple game where 2-4 giggly girls roll dice to move florescent engagement rings around a heart-shaped board. Each roll brings the future blushing bride to a square labeled “ring,” “dress,” “cake,” “music,” “reception,” “flowers,” “honeymoon,” or “tuxedo” where she then use her allotted budget to assemble the wedding of her prepubescent dreams. I played “The Perfect Wedding” with the same vigor and competitive edge that I approached more weighty games like Clue and Monopoly — I had a clear idea of what I wanted for “the most important day of my life.” I was going to have my red rose bouquet, string quartet, cushion-cut diamond, and sweetheart crinoline-confection of a dress, and I was not willing to compromise.

I had totally forgotten about this game and completely blocked out that phase of my childhood when I used to have “practice” weddings and design my future bridesmaids’ dresses. Today, an unwelcomed flashback through my younger years reminded me that once upon a time, I was a true-blue, diehard, unshakable romantic.

the dress an 8-year old me wanted to get married in

Oh! To go back to the days when I could draw my “soulmate” for you on a piece of paper! To go back to the days when a daydream wrapped in white lace and set to the tune of “Here Comes the Bride” was fantasy enough! How simple young girls are, how pure our vision of love and how ready we are to believe that happily-ever-afters means eternal perfection!

For 17 years “The Perfect Wedding” has been gathering dust in my toy-box (ironically, a 19th century dowry chest), and with it, so has my eight-year-old’s vision of romance ever lasting. I shelved daydreaming about engagement rings and white dresses a long time ago. Don’t get me wrong, send me into Tiffany’s and I’ll beeline right to that legacy band, but today I’m what I would call a Pragmatic Romantic.

I don’t envision being swept off my feet anymore by a prince charming type, though, I do believe that a significant other should feel like an escape from the ho-hum of la vie quotidienne. I’d rather have a Prince Albert than a Prince Charming anyway. I can’t draw you a picture of Mr. Right anymore, but I can describe, pretty well, what values/likes/dislikes I’d prefer him to have.  I don’t have delusions of finding my one true soulmate and living out the remainder of my days in trouble-free, blissful peace. I could keep going, but it’s not important. The punchline is that at 24, I’m already more of a Alex Goran than a Natalie Keener.*

the grown-up me prefers an understated Valentino (perhaps in a tea-rose pink?)

Don’t worry, I’m not jaded yet — I’ve got at least another 5 years before I hit jaded. There’s still a romantic in me. I still cry every time Big and Carrie stand on that bridge in Paris and he tells her, “Carrie, you’re the one.”  And I will have red roses at my wedding — I can promise you that much. Whether or not my dress is white, well, the dice have yet to be rolled on that one.

——-

A Book of Dealbreakers

I shouldn’t be telling you this… but I own 3 dating-advice books. It might even be as many as 4. I know you want to, but please, don’t judge me too harshly. I have good excuses for why they’re on my shelf:  “The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists” was a salvage item — I grabbed it from a friend who was about to trash it. I thought it would be an education in the way men think on a Saturday night at a bar. I haven’t read it, so I still don’t know what men are thinking on a Saturday night at a bar… I probably never will. “Jane Austen’s Guide to Romance” really is a great character analysis of Austen’s heroines and heroes. It’s better than sparknotes. As for “He’s Just Not that Into You,” well, you’ve got me there.

Look, I haven’t sunk as low as “Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars” or “The Rules” — I’m neither desperate nor clueless. I do, however, find this genre of  “lite lit” to be extremely amusing. There’s a new advice, or rather a what not to do book about to hit the newsstands, “Undateable: 311 Things Guys Do That Guarantee They Won’t be Dating or Having Sex,” and I’m inclined to buy it.

Here’s the “about the book” from the publisher’s website… I think you’ll want it too:

“SHIRT: SPORTS JERSEY.
JEANS: EMBELLISHED.
HAIR: OVERLY GELLED.
STATUS: UNDATEABLE.

“Did your date show up wearing socks with sandals? Are tighty-whities a deal-breaker for you? Do fanny packs make you want to run for the door? Now, for the very first time, we’re revealing the secret list of things that so many perfectly eligible guys manage to wear, say, or do to make themselves completely undateable. With an essential rating system that ranges from minor red-flag offenses all the way to the irreversible kiss of death, this hilarious handbook exposes the many common mistakes that can turn an otherwise acceptable man from a “maybe” into a “no way.” From pleated shorts and soul patches to ordering girly drinks and owning more than one cat, the evidence is painfully funny to behold. No more double denim, corporate swag, or exclaiming “Booya!” No more jogging in place at stoplights, and definitely no more “going dutch” on the first date. This book is for every woman who’s ever wondered where to draw the line, and every guy who’s ever asked, “What did I do wrong?”

“Here’s what you did.”

Not All Broken Hearts Are Created Equal

Last night, my dearest male friend phoned me for a long overdue catchup. Once we moved through the requisite “the way we live now” summaries, the conversation turned to diamonds. Yes, those kinds of diamonds. Earlier in the week, one of his coworkers had “popped the question” and suddenly found himself a fiance to a fiancee. His coworker’s news set off an alarm — now firmly settled in Los Angeles, with his own longtime squeeze readying herself to join him and armed with a bonus to be put towards a mortgage on their first home, my Main Mellow Man’s own engagement had become eminent. Understandably, the boy had bling on the brain.

His phone call and the excessive number of bridal magazines accosting me at the Whole Food checkout counter this morning were glaring reminders that February is a month for declarations of love and promises of everlasting devotion.

Well…maybe not for everyone.

those out of the blue ex emails are just another stab to the heart

Only a few days earlier, another dear friend called with some relationship news of her own. She had received an email from her ex-boyfriend. They hadn’t spoken since he had abruptly and badly broken up with her. It wasn’t a post-it note break up, but in many ways it was far worse. 5 months had passed and she was finally settling into the freedom of her new singleton status. The attempt to reestablish contact stormed her inbox without warning. It was a “mustard gas” email and she was ill-equipped for the attack.

The email sought absolution for his sins —  he felt guilty for being so selfish. The email was apologetic — he was sorry, so sorry, for ending their 5-year romance without having voiced his concerns about their “problems.” The email sought her sympathy — the silence eradicated their entire relationship, and he didn’t want to do that, after all, some of those years had been good years. The email, with its saccharin  sting, was the meanest thing he could have possibly done.

When she showed me the email, in an understandable fit of panic, I had this awful sense of deja vu. The story was all too familiar: terrible break-ups initiated by the guy. Several months of silence — usually demanded by the “injured” female. Then the email from the ex-boyfriend attempting to reestablish contact. The language is the same — from the apology to the request for some sort of response, even if negative. I’d seen it all before — in my own inbox and in the inboxes of too many of my girlfriends. Don’t these guys understand that no apology is going to let them off the hook? They don’t get to stop being the bad guy in the story of “us.” They gave up their right to absolution when they told us they didn’t love us anymore.

When a relationship ends, the power dynamic changes. In theory, while a couple is together there is no dominate “leader” — both parties exercise equal responsibilities. Of course, we know this isn’t true. There’s usually one person who makes more demands on the relationship than the other; one person who needs to have his/her way, who needs more support, etc. And more often than naught, it’s this lack of symbiosis that is the root cause of a breakup. So half of couple decides they want out. At the moment of the breakup, the initiator of the end is fully in control — after all, they got to close the book on the preceding months or years. Once things are over, however, the one left with the broken heart takes the reins. The person who ended the relationship has to respect that they no longer have a say the course of the relationship.

“As the initiator of my breakup, I certainly feel like that position comes with certain responsibilities,” a trusted, and shall I say enlightened, male friend told me. “Mainly, these are straightforward– following the principle of, if you’re gonna break someone’s heart, don’t do things to make your ex’s life even worse…There are things that only my ex really knows about me, or understands, but that doesn’t mean it’s ok for me to call and lean on her, no matter what kind of a spot I’m in… ‘please talk to me, I think about you all the time’ just isn’t allowed.”

Get that fellas?

It’s doesn’t matter if it’s a quarter after one, or if you’re a little drunk, if you walked out that door you just don’t get to say you need us now.