I shouldn’t be telling you this… but I own 3 dating-advice books. It might even be as many as 4. I know you want to, but please, don’t judge me too harshly. I have good excuses for why they’re on my shelf:  “The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists” was a salvage item — I grabbed it from a friend who was about to trash it. I thought it would be an education in the way men think on a Saturday night at a bar. I haven’t read it, so I still don’t know what men are thinking on a Saturday night at a bar… I probably never will. “Jane Austen’s Guide to Romance” really is a great character analysis of Austen’s heroines and heroes. It’s better than sparknotes. As for “He’s Just Not that Into You,” well, you’ve got me there.

Look, I haven’t sunk as low as “Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars” or “The Rules” — I’m neither desperate nor clueless. I do, however, find this genre of  “lite lit” to be extremely amusing. There’s a new advice, or rather a what not to do book about to hit the newsstands, “Undateable: 311 Things Guys Do That Guarantee They Won’t be Dating or Having Sex,” and I’m inclined to buy it.

Here’s the “about the book” from the publisher’s website… I think you’ll want it too:

“SHIRT: SPORTS JERSEY.
JEANS: EMBELLISHED.
HAIR: OVERLY GELLED.
STATUS: UNDATEABLE.

“Did your date show up wearing socks with sandals? Are tighty-whities a deal-breaker for you? Do fanny packs make you want to run for the door? Now, for the very first time, we’re revealing the secret list of things that so many perfectly eligible guys manage to wear, say, or do to make themselves completely undateable. With an essential rating system that ranges from minor red-flag offenses all the way to the irreversible kiss of death, this hilarious handbook exposes the many common mistakes that can turn an otherwise acceptable man from a “maybe” into a “no way.” From pleated shorts and soul patches to ordering girly drinks and owning more than one cat, the evidence is painfully funny to behold. No more double denim, corporate swag, or exclaiming “Booya!” No more jogging in place at stoplights, and definitely no more “going dutch” on the first date. This book is for every woman who’s ever wondered where to draw the line, and every guy who’s ever asked, “What did I do wrong?”

“Here’s what you did.”