Things You Wish He Hadn’t Said

one pitch and 2 strikes...

Sometimes, it’s a piece of information you just don’t need to know about him. Sometimes, it’s a poorly chosen pick-up line. Sometimes, it’s pillow talk gone uncomfortably awry. Sometimes, it’s his misconstrued version of a compliment. Every time, you wish he’d never said it.

The following list has been culled from a variety of friends and media – text messages, late night bar meetings, first dinner dates, 3rd dinner dates, pre and post romps, phone calls, etc. Enjoy, and feel free to add your own “things I wish he hadn’t said” in a comment!

#08: “How much money do you have left?”

#12: “You remind me of my half-sister Liza-Sue.”

#25: “My ex ripped my heart out and stepped on it. Totally trampled it. Would you like to have drinks tomorrow night?

#58: “So I went on a date this past Thursday with this other girl…it was really fun.”

#102: “I’ve been chaste since I broke it off with my fiancé 3 years ago.”

#113: “I can’t wait for you to come over, baby – I’ve been practicing spanking watermelons.”

#146: “I don’t usually date girls with a few extra pounds on them, but you’ve got beautiful brown eyes.”

#189: “One time in juvie…”

#215: “Look, my coat check tag is 69! I think we’re going to have a good time tonight. Hi, I’m Dave, by the way. So, what are you doing later?”

#257: “You’re the most famous person I’ve kissed… which I guess, doesn’t say much for who I’ve dated.”

#278: “Does chloroform turn you on? Cuz, it turns me on.”

#301: His chosen pet name for you is “Moose”

#355: “Hey luv my date for Sat wuz canceled my cock is urs all weekend now”

#403: “Look we can go for drinks if you want, but while you sit there prattling on, I’m just going to be picturing you naked in a hotel room. So maybe we just shouldn’t bother.”

#418: “Damn girl that is a phenomenal ass, looks like two hams fighting for position. mmm! That’s baby makin’ music.”

#444: “I’d like you to meet my imaginary friend, Hebert.”

#502: “The last time I came here with a date, she made out with the bartender.”

#504: “The last time I came here, I was with my cousin. We made out… Should I not have told you that?”

cartoon stolen from xkcd.

Why I’m Glad I Bought My Class Ring: a follow up to an earlier post

My signet ring. I never leave home without it.

Back in January, I ran a post about my grad school class ring. In an attempt to remedy the error I made in purchasing a college class ring that resembled a wedding band, I purchased  a super-sized man’s ring to mark the completion of my MA. I wanted a conversation starter. Little did I know how useful it would be…

I was sitting at the bar of the Brasserie, a restaurant in midtown Manhattan where I can say “I practically grew-up here!” It was happy-hour hour and I was enjoying a St. Germain spritzer with my mother who had just survived hours of unpleasant dental work. Her face was puffy. We both agreed champagne and elderflower liquor would be a more effective pain killer than the Vicodin in her purse. There was a group of young bank management trainees clustered at the end of the bar, awaiting an orientation cocktail party to begin.

The Brasserie -- the resturant I practically grew-up in.

I had yet to put in my drink order when one of the trainees slid onto the stool next to mine.

“Can I have an ice-water please?”

I could feel him looking at the side of my head — sometimes I think those crimson feature extensions I installed send the wrong message — and he crunched his ice in my ear.

“Nice signet ring. Where’s it from?”

After a several minute assessment,  he had decided my over-sized class ring was his best in.

His comrades stared at us like this was a middle school dance and he was the boy dared to ask the one female in the room if she wants a turn on the floor. My mother and my new best friend Karissa, the bartender, giggled like 12 year girls.

sometimes I think the feather extension I installed send the wrong impression.

The conversation was short. “Oh! Art History! Very, very in-te-ressss-ting. You must speak French and Italian.”

“French and German.”

I returned to my menu and minutes later, he got the  message and abandoned his efforts. My mother gave me her signature smack in the back of the head.

“It doesn’t matter that he was short. Or balding. Or creepy. He probably makes as much in a week as you do in a year. You could have at least been friendly.”

I shrugged. Luckily, I was given a second chance, of sorts, the next day.

Justin was the 6 foot something, Mediterranean-colored, plaid-wearing North Face salesman who sold me my snowshoe-ready anti-slip snow boots during a lunch-break trek to the shopping district.

“Nice signet ring. Where’s it from?”

Looking at his dark complexion and athletic build, I was sold. I happily explained my course of degree with self-deprecation.

“You sound just like me!” he replied, referring to my economics undergraduate turned art history grad student.

"Leave it to you," my mother cried, "to pick the starving artist."

I settled on the boots and we quickly swapped life stories. He was an economist turned ceramic artist turned pro golfer. Besides an affinity for this sporting life, green tea and Hudson Bay coats, we shared mutual friends in the local art world.

By the time I signed my receipt,  he had asked for my business card and promised to stop by the gallery to see our current exhibit.

In less than 24 hours, my class ring had won me the attention of two very different guys. I won’t pretend my mother wasn’t disappointed in my choice — “Leave it to you to choose the starving artist over the secure businessman!”

To make amends, I promised I’d do happy hour at the Brasserie more often… signet ring in tow, of course.

The 50 First Date Project: Like the Bachlorette, but a Blog and Classy

I may not be Drew Barrymore, but in the movie called "My Life," I'm still the leading lady

One girl, 50 First Dates — it’s the kind of thing only attempted in a Kate Hudson or Drew Barrymore movie.

I’m neither Kate Hudson nor Drew Barrymore, but in the movie called “My Life,” I’m the charmingly quirky leading lady who is perpetually single, frequently comic, rarely dramatic, and always up for a challenge.

One girl, 50 First Dates — it sounds like an act of desperation.

I prefer to think of it as part-ironic critique of today’s process of finding a mate, part-viable alternative to online dating or a friend’s/family member’s/co-worker’s ill-fated match-making plans…and part-cure for writer’s block.

So, what is the 50 First Date Project and how does it work?

Let’s face it, sometimes the First Date is the best date of any relationship.

What: The 50 First Date Project will become a sub-column within They Told Me to Find a Rich Husband as I meet selected Candidates for first drinks, first dinners, and first adventures. Think a literary version of the Bachlorette, but hopefully with less trash and more real-world insights into the way we date and fall in love now. Candidates don’t have to be potential Prince Charmings — potential date disasters are, in fact, encouraged to apply.

Who is the Candidate applying to have a first date with? Meet Me here.

Candidate Criteria*: Know or are a single guy between the ages of 25 and 40 who lives in the NYC metro area and searching for love? Think he/you will provide an entertaining first date story? Then apply to be a candidate for a First Date using the form below!

The application is considered incomplete until receipt of at least one tasteful photo, which should be emailed with the Candidate’s name/method of contact in the subject heading to: theytoldmetofindrichhusband@gmail.com.

← Back

Thank you for your response. ✨

* Applications will be reviewed on a rolling basis. Men seeking a one-night stand should look to Craigslist. 2nd dates or steady relationships are not automatically ruled out by the mission statement of this project.  In the event that one of these first dates turns into something significant, the project will go on hiatus. Not every first date will be documented on They Told Me to Find a Rich Husband. No real names or identifying photos will appear in any 50 First Date Project related posts.

They Warned Me I’d Find Love, the Summer 2011 Edition

The mating rituals of Banana Slugs give new meaning to the term "cock-blocking"

The Ariolimax columbianus, more commonly known as the Banana Slug, is ubiquitous in the rainforests of the Pacific Northwest. The Banana Slug is a hermaphrodite. When mating time rolls around, Banana Slugs engage in an act called “penis jousting.” Somehow, the slugs fight until one slug’s penis gets knocked off. The winner gets to be “the man.” The loser has to carry the eggs.

“Banana Slug mating rituals sound a lot like a Friday night in a Manhattan bar,” I told my guide as we sloshed through the green squishy stuff that covers the floor of the rainforest on Meares Island, a small island off the coast of Vancouver Island, British Columbia.

Cock-blocking had suddenly taken on a new, more serious meaning.

My guide chuckled and, lost in the mental comparison I was drawing between slug life on Vancouver Island and the NYC dating scene, I slipped on a cedar plank.

Whoosh, slap, squish, thud <– Those are the sounds an eco-tourist makes as she falls in the forest.

There's a lot of green squooshy stuff in the rainforest. Where's my mountain man to help me up when I fall?

Down the trail, a fiance hoisted his fallen fiancee back to her feet —  another victim of the squooshy green stuff — while I flopped around, clumsily trying to make it onto all fours without eating anymore lichen in the process.

Where was my mountain man in shining plaid when I needed him?

A few days earlier, I arrived in the great Canadian City of Vancouver ready for 10 days in the woods, away from work, domestic duties, and dating in the city. Or so I thought.

As soon as my rental car drove across Vancouver’s city limits, my phone started beeping relentlessly. The little blue light that illuminates whenever I have an OkCupid message was flashing like a lighthouse beacon in a hurricane. When they warned me I’d find love on this Canadian adventure, they weren’t kidding.

Hello, Mr. Vancouver. I knew I had a lot to look forward to on this vacation...

Warning! New matches ahead! Warning! New messages!

I opened the alerts icon in disbelief. I had been in Vancouver not more than 30 minutes, and already my inbox was overflowing.  There were notable similarities between the Vancouver men and the Brooklyn men OKCupid frequently found for me (why are they always in Brooklyn?!) — beards and plaid, in all their incarnations, were the standard uniform and a commitment to “sustainable living” was high on lists of interest. That’s where the similarities ended.

Good-bye hipster. Hello mountain man.

Good-bye bike-riding, semi-unemployed, struggling artist. Hello banker-turned-kayak-instructor who plays in two hockey leagues, sails on weekend and skis in the winter.

I knew I had a lot to look forward to on this vacation. And apparently, it wasn’t just the sea-kayaking.

Never Trust the Zodiac When You Want to Fall in Love

In my teen years, every crush was measured against the horoscope. I believed that the alignment of the planets dictated my soulmate and was quick to consult the stars. But when every so-called perfectly-paired Virgo, Taurus, and Scorpio I fell for in high school proved duds, I retired my astrology chart.

Then this past April I met Zev, a sensual Scorpio with a scorpion tattooed on his neck and his zodiac symbol stamped on his forearm, and I became 13 again.

“You know, Cancers and Scorpios are a perfect match,” he said as he took a long sip from his scotch and soda.

Cancers and Scorpios make love like it's an Olympic sport. Maybe, I'd make it to London afterall.

I rolled my eyes. He persisted and pulled out his smartphone to show off a website that proved his point.

“The Cancer-Scorpio match is a match made in heaven” it read. “The the two of you could literally see fireworks.”

He leaned over and pointed to the screen with a wink: “the two of you will make love like it’s an Olympic sport.”

I admit, I was intrigued and agreed to dinner a week later.

Dinner was where things with Zev ended.

So much for “this passionate connection can develop into the perfect marriage.” As I adjusted my skirt and stomped off into the pouring rain, I promised I would never trust the Zodiac again.

When the next boy came around and our connection was as deep as it was instantaneous, I couldn’t help but wonder: is this written in the stars?

Enter the “daily horoscope” app for my smartphone.

Water-sign + water-sign = deluge

Apparently, two crabby Cancers make a terrible match. Water-sign + water-sign = deluge. Forget bad romance. Think a Chernobyl romance, overwrought with “I feel…” and moon-phase-induced emotional mood-swing nuclear spills.

“You run the risk of mirroring each others weaknesses…A marriage would be work for this pair” — that’s the way the astrology site phrased it — a euphemistic way to say, you’ll need more than a pre-nup going into this, you’ll need an excellent lawyer, or hell, an army of lawyers…and a box of tissues…and a therapist.

Bummer.

I shrugged and considered the unfavorable forecast. True, we had quickly committed to sharing our feelings about, not only each other, but everything — from the challenges of our respective workplaces to our inner-deepest reflections on love.

This type of display was totally out of character for me. I refused to believe that our instant connection wasn’t endorsed by the celestial bodies.

I googled “astrological compatibility,” and read until I found a glimmer of hope to cling to. 4 result pages in, I found it: “On the whole, this is quite a good match…and the sexual chemistry with be high!”

Phew!

I bookmarked that astrology page and decided it would be the only one I’d consult…at least, until the deluge.

Insert Groom Here

“Married women don’t get enough credit,” my mother said one afternoon a few weeks back. “Marriage is all about being able to deal with assholes.”

I don’t know what my father had done that day, but clearly, it wasn’t good.

With my great-grandmother's wedding ring in hand, I suddenly felt the weight of the generations.

My mother’s wisdom is always appreciated, but that day’s insight may not have been what I should have heard the night my cousin Julie arrived from Canada with my Great-Grandmother’s wedding ring.

Julie passed the generations-old, Irish-made gold band on to me in an understated ceremony in my kitchen, over a beer. I think the theme from Riverdance was playing from the Bose in the background, then again, my memory could just be over-romanticizing the significance of the scene and the transcendence of my Celtic heritage.

“I don’t doubt you’ll put it to good use,” she said as I slipped the ring out of the silk sack and onto my finger.

Mistake. I was stuck with it as we headed out the door. Cute waiters were no longer fair game – I was, for the night, a taken female.

Starring down at the ring through dinner, watching my finger change colors from peach to blue, I grew strangely sentimental and slightly anxious. Few things have been passed successfully through the generations in my family – a blue vase and a fetish for hats – and to have my great-grandmother’s wedding ring bestowed on me was to have an unexpected amount of pressure on my shoulders.

I guess I was going to have to get married after all.

Another Blue Moon and a bar of soap when I got home made removing the ring somewhat less painful than I had anticipated.

A week later, my friend Julia posted on my Facebook wall: “I had a dream you were engaged!” And then last week a woman stopped me at the cross walk for a chat. She was eager to make a friend and seemed slightly crazed from the hot summer sun. Midway through my story about my hat, she interrupted me: “You’re going to get married. I just know it! You’re going to get married.”

It seems the voices have changed their tune from prescriptions (you need to find a nice rich husband) to premonitions. Luckily, I don’t put much weight in the predictions of raving women on crowded street corners.

Then again, the soothsayer in the crowd advised Julius Caesar to beware the ides of March… and, well, we all know how that turned out.

I don't necessarily put much weight in the perdictions of raving women... but then I remember Julius Caesar