2014 has been a good year for me, and while I’ve been enjoying myself, I’ve been sure to do all the right things to get on your “Good List” again for the 27th out of my 29 years (let’s not talk about that one year in college…)
So while I’m in full-on Holiday Elf mode (the stockings are hung by the chimney with care!) here’s a list of things I want, no NEED, to make my Christmas a success for me, my family, and our guests. It’s reasonably straight forward and I’ve designed it as a kind of “installment plan” — one gift for every day leading up to Christmas. Advent-style. Amen.
So here goes:
On the First Day of Christmas, please Santa send to me… a lumberjack with a pick-up truck
The best day to buy your tree is the day after Thanksgiving. It’s a truth no one wants to tell you, but all the trees you see in nurseries or on the side of the road have all been cut down and shipped at the same time. Even the ones you buy on Christmas Eve were harvested in mid November. A lumberjack would see my tree is the freshest on the block.
One Second Day of Christmas, please Santa send to me… a fireman with a sizable hose.
In case said lumberjack fails, and the tree is a little dried out, it’s always handy to have a fire specialist on hand…
On the Third Day of Christmas, please Santa send to me… a chauffeur with a trailer for my shopping victories.
I drove into the mall parking lot on Sunday only to drive out of it 15 minutes later — there were exactly ZERO spots available. Several people are going to be short stocking stuffers this Christmas… a shortcoming that could easily have been avoided with my own Chauffeur and a Royce.
On the Fourth Day of Christmas, please Santa send to me… a man with an electrician’s degree.
Lights on the porch. Lights on the hedges. Lights on the family Christmas tree. Lights, lights everywhere… and broken bulbs, wiggling wires, and frizzing fuses to go with them. For some men, the front yard Christmas light display is a sparkling, LED-enhanced demonstration of their masculinity. But whether or not he approaches the strings of bulbs and illuminated snowmen with a competitive edge, he should, in the very least, know how not to electrocute himself…and how not blow the entire East Coast grid.
On the Fifth Day of Christmas, please Santa send to me… a butler with a feather duster… and a stiff martini.
Where did all this dust come from? And all this stuff? Someone needs to see that it’s all sorted out… and while they’re at it, pass me the Tanqueray.
On the Sixth Day of Christmas, please Santa send to me… a masseur with strong hands and open timetable.
Does this one need explaining? I think not.
On the Seventh Day of Christmas, please Santa send to me… a free-range organic farmer.
If you think the malls are bad in the final days before Christmas, try the supermarkets. I’m a big fan of farm to table — this would make it all possible.
On the Eight Day of Christmas, please Santa send to me… a top chef with a knack for catering.
Tree-trimming party, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Years Eve, New Year’s Day, Post-New Year’s Day — the final two weeks of the year are full of parties. And it would be so much easier if I had a chef to do all the work for me… ideally one that looks a lot like Curtis Stone, but with better recipes…
On the ninth Day of Christmas, please Santa send to me… a personal trainer.
Oh, God. Have I really eaten this much already?! Preparing a 4-course meal is physical work. I need a trainer to not only help me shed those holiday half-dozens, but to help get be buff and ready for next year’s cooking marathon.
On the Tenth Day of Christmas, please Santa send to me… 10 Lords a Leaping.
I used to go to the Nutcracker at the NYC Ballet every year. The Candy Canes were always very impressive, and it isn’t a party unless someone is dancing… and why can’t it be 10 athletic, land-owning, titled gentlemen?
On the eleventh day of Christmas, please Santa send to me… a plumber.
Because all of a sudden the radiator in the living room isn’t getting hot and the guests are coming in an hour… like I really need THIS!
On the Twelfth Day of Christmas, please Santa send to me… Benedict Cumberbatch.
Because it’s Christmas, and why the hell not.
I thank you for your consideration and attention to this matter. As you’ve probably witnessed (since you know when/where/with whom I am sleeping and you know when I’m awake) the internet and real-life social networking have come-up short in fulfilling these needs. I hope you can come through where all else has failed.
Merry Christmas to you and Mrs. Claus. I’ll leave the cookies and the milktini on top of the fireplace mantle this year — sorry the dog got to the coffee table first last year…