If You were a Hamburger…

The Lin Burger that sounds absolutely delicious

“If you were a hamburger, you’d be something independent and classy,” my co-worker Lisa said to me after reading about the new Lin Burger New York restaurants are cooking up.

The Knicks’ newest sensation is apparently characterized in patty form as a pork burger with 5-spice seasoning and an Asian slaw. Yum.

I didn’t know what it meant to be an “independent” burger, so I asked for some clarification.

“No fills. A burger that’s meaty enough to stand on its own.”

I was flattered — I always wanted to be perceived as an independent and classy piece of meat.

“If you were a hamburger, you would be…” was an interesting exercise for someone who hasn’t eaten an all-beef patty since November 2009.

The last time I had a burger, it was here and the scene looked just like this

I remember the date well — it was the first time I’d eaten red meat since 2007, the summer I drove cross country more than once and spent large amounts of driving time alongside cattle drive trucks. It was a late night and I had just exited a rather disappointing MoMA event with a ravenous friend in tow. He suggested the Prime Meridian’s Burger Joint. I agreed.

I ate the burger.

It was delicious.

When I got home, I threw up.

He doesn’t know about that last bit — all he knows is that my doctor encouraged me to return to eating red meat because I’d turned anemic. I’ll let my friend continue to think he did good by my health…

Anyway, back to the KathleenBurger…

When I think of a classy burger, I think of one with truffles. I’ve never thought this seems right — I mean, truffle is a powerful taste. With mac & cheese, okay. But on a good burger? No. Too. Much.

What about a Kobe burger? No fuss, just salt and pepper in the mix. That’s pretty independent. Grilled to a medium… juices dripping.

For a girl that doesn't eat red meat, she's sure getting a craving.


Now we’re on to something.

Add some thinly, thinly sliced red onion.

No cheese.

No ketchup.

A soft, not too thick whole wheat bun.

Some chutney, with a mild kick.

With a pickle on the side. Gotta have my pickle.

Yea, that’s my kind of burger.

Okay, now I’m hungry. There’s an Energy Burger across the street from my gallery. I think I’m going to go order me a veggie burger… that tastes just like Kobe beef.


And still they tell me…

Do you know any men who can name this sculpture, where to find it, and who made it?

…to find a rich husband.

I’ve felt pretty run down for the last few weeks. A friend told me it was because Mercury was in retrograde. I had a feeling it might have more to do with the fact that I don’t eat red meat and tend towards anemia. So rather than hit up my psychic for a reading, I decided to head to my doctor for a vitamin b shot.

I walked into Dr. S’s office armed for battle: “a week ago” and “I’m working on it.” But rather than the usual “when was your last period? do you have a rich boyfriend yet?” I was directly confronted with the worst: “So, where’s my invitation to the wedding?”

“I haven’t had them printed yet?” I laughed uncomfortably as he stuck my arm with the needle.

“Seriously, do you have a rich boyfriend yet.”

“Yes, and his name is Gary and he collections art.”

“Really! That’s fantastic.”

“No, not really.”

“Oh. Well just remember, it’s as easy to fall for a poor man as it is for a rich man. Just make sure you fall for the rich one… now please, go eat a hamburger.”

Hamburger? maybe tomorrow.

Rich boyfriend… maybe after the hamburger.