Category: Dating

With him…

On By KathleenIn DatingLeave a comment

I’m inclined to use bad judgement. And I would really like to be in a position to use that bad judgement.

Don’t tell me you don’t have a guy like that. We all have him. For Carrie Bradshaw, he was Mr. Big. For me, he’s someone I met at a panel discussion. For you, he may be your best friend. He’s that guy we keep going back to. He’s that guy we seem to lose all restratint with. The one we’ve never quite been able to understand but still, he’s the one we’d drop everything for; the one we’d never say no to; the one that throws our whole world out of perspective.

There are a lot of problems when he’s around. There’s that part of you that wants to be bad, to throw away your rules, to do whatever it takes to keep him around. But then there’s that part of you that wants something more significant than a bootie call. And why is it that whenever he calls it seems like a bootie call? Even when that’s not your history together, you feel like it’s going to be a one night stand of some form. You want to make him your only, but he’s just not the kind of guy that will be pinned down by you.

There’s the communication problem.  He’ll call you or text you first. He puts the ball in your court — you play back, but you don’t want to be too agressive. You want it to be a winner, but you don’t want to scare him off. When he takes his time on the return, you start to panic. You want him to know you’re interested, but you want to be cool, and when you’re around him you often lose your cool. You’re rarely on your A-game.

You don’t know how he feels about you, yet there is only one bit of reassurance — he keeps coming back. Maybe only a few weeks go by, maybe a year — you don’t know if he’s thinking of you (chances are you think about him), but evetually he calls.  It’s up to you to pick up the phone… I did… and now the butterflies take off again.

Sometimes, We Women have to Think like Boys

On By KathleenIn DatingLeave a comment

It’s true. Sometimes, ladies, when it comes to how we approach relationships, we have to dumb it down a bit and simplify. Sometimes we need to chill out, go with the flow, stop focusing on the details, and stop wondering about “what’s next.” I don’t mean we need approach men like men approach women, that is we don’t need to turn into Samantha Jones — we don’t have to see all men as one night stands only.

Think back to the last guy you developed a thing for. Remember all the time you spent analyzing his body language, the things he said, the things he didn’t say, the way he touched you, the way he didn’t touch you? Remember how you forwarded all his text messages, his voicemails and his emails to all your friends for their opinions? Remember how you relished the fact he didn’t untag himself in that suggestive picture your mutual friend posted of the two of you? (Thanks Facebook for adding that many more things for us females to obsess about!)

Then there was that first flirtation after you broke up with your boyfriend. Remember how you went back and forth on how you felt about “rebounding?” I don’t want another relationship right away, but I wouldn’t mind a hook-up. I’m friends with him, so it could be fun, but can we stay friends. Is it okay to use him. etc etc.

Do you realize how much brain energy you’re using on all this?! Naturally, women are more inclined to analyze details — to seek deep meaning in small actions. And we’re not going to change. look, let’s agree it’s kinda fun to obsess a little bit over new crushes. We like the ambiguity, and the more we think about it, the more mysterious the whole thing gets. Mysteries are intriguing and they’re a hell of a lot more interesting than pushing papers around on our desk. But the more we analyze, the farther away we get from our gut. Sometimes when we’re in a room with a guy — whether its side by side on a couch or across the table at a restaurant — we need to tell our brain to just Shut Up. Ignore the details, because when it comes to guys, it’s rarely in the details. It’s pretty clear.

Know what you want, take it if you’re being given it and don’t spend half the evening trying to decode or decide. Love may be a string of chemical reactions in the brain, but it’s also something in the heart. And so’s lust. So ladies, when it comes to guys, sometimes be a bit of a guy: turn on, tune in, drop out, and let the relationship just happen.

The One Fingered Arm Stroke

On By KathleenIn Dating1 Comment

There has to be a straight guy out there who can explain this one to me…

Last summer, I was in Halifax with my mother eating dinner in a hotel restaurant overlooking the harbor. How romantic. Our waiter was a young guy, I’d say not a day over 26, well-built with thick, jet-black hair, green eyes and a killer smile. He was stunning — waaaaay out of my league stunning. I couldn’t look at him at first because I was afraid I might start giggling. His demeanor gave away that he was new. He was formal, overly rehearsed and a bit uptight. Mum I been on the road for nearly 8 hours — we were in the mood to be anything but formal. It was a planned attacked on the handsome waiter. We were going to break him down, make him laugh, make him trip as he was reading the specials.

We won.

Eventually, I had him joining in on the jokes and lame puns (something about mussels and biceps?) and he was doubled over laughing. He actually did trip once as he was walking away. A glass of water hit the carpet. He was spending so much time at our table, someone had to come remind him he had orders waiting for other guests. For all of an hour, I believed I was charming.

And the part that needs explanation? A few minutes after he put down our main course, he came back with an unrequested second napkin. He knelt table-side and placed the napkin down on the table as he leaned in. “The first is for your body. This is for your hands.” As he got up, staring right at me, he ran his index finger up my arm.

Whoa. hold up. wait a minute. That was kinda sexy.

This was not the first time that had happened to me, and it turned out it wouldn’t be the last.  Not long ago, I was engaged in bit of banter with a guy I’d known casually as a co-worker. We had said our good-byes, but as we began to part ways, he turned back — he had one more question.  He moved closer and ran his finger up my arm as he confirmed my plans for Saturday. Huh!?

The first time I experienced the one-fingered arm stroke I was in a bar playing pool with a guy 15 years my senior.We’d never met, and I have no idea why I was playing with him and not the girlfriends who had come out with me. He was a bit tipsy and he followed the touch with a very, very direct invitation to go back to his place. Thankfully, the intentions of this arm stroke were entirely clear. The other two incidents? Sexually charged, but totally ambiguous.

I asked a girl friend of mine if she’d ever experienced the one-fingered arm touch. “No. I have no idea what you’re talking about. Maybe it’s because you have nice arms. You do have really toned arms.”

And here I thought I’d discovered the key that could unlock the secrets of men and women, first meetings and attraction, body language and touching. Apparently, I just have nice forearms.

woops! I’m behind schedule… way

On By KathleenIn Dating, New York City2 Comments

When I was 13,  I had my palm read. “You will have many boyfriends,” the psychic told me, “but there will always be one great love, one soulmate for you.” That started the wheels turning. By the time I got home, I had my life-plan all mapped out.  I was going to be married at 25 to that soulmate — ideally, someone I had met at college, hopefully an ivy league college — and towing behind me as I walked down the aisle would be a slew of broken-hearted former lovers.

I hit the 24-mile mark about a month ago and while I was blowing out candles, someone I knew in high school announced her engagement to a guy she met in college. So what about me? What about my schedule… was I engaged at 24, as my life-plan implied? Was there a trail of broken hearts behind me?

Yea…no. Life-plan major Fail.

Why is it that psychics are always so vague? “Boyfriend” and “boy friend”  are homonyms with very different meanings. “Boyfriend” is a term that implies dates, physical and emotional intimacy, lingerie, red roses and the glint of diamonds. “Boy friend” connotes sports bars, sports bras, ball busting, ballgames and platonic nights out. If she had been clearer with her meaning, I would have been better equipped to deal with the next ten years…

I went through college with a 3:1 ratio of male friends to female friends. I spent more time at neighborhood sports bars than I did at Manhattan’s trendy night clubs. By my senior year,  Friday night outings and  foggy Sunday brunches were passed with a group of about 5-7 guys. Girls’ Night Out didn’t exist on my social calendar. The reasons for this were manifold — most of my female friends had boyfriends and were too busy being girlfriends to be friends; it was more fun hanging out with guys because my guy friends and I talked about everything and anything except “boys.”  We’d talk about relationships, if there were ones to talk about, but never was there the ridiculous sharing and analysis of the minute details of a brief conversation with a crush. Guy friends felt safe — they weren’t going to steal my boyfriend.

Yet, while I had a slew of men around me, I managed to make my way through college and most of grad school never having a serious boyfriend. No broken-hearted exes to carry on the train of a white gown. And so, I had to shelf the plan an over-ambitious 13 year old me conjured. The psychic may have been onto something, but I sure would have appreciated it if she had given me a better idea of when this soulmate fella was going to show up.