Things You Wish He Hadn’t Said

one pitch and 2 strikes...

Sometimes, it’s a piece of information you just don’t need to know about him. Sometimes, it’s a poorly chosen pick-up line. Sometimes, it’s pillow talk gone uncomfortably awry. Sometimes, it’s his misconstrued version of a compliment. Every time, you wish he’d never said it.

The following list has been culled from a variety of friends and media – text messages, late night bar meetings, first dinner dates, 3rd dinner dates, pre and post romps, phone calls, etc. Enjoy, and feel free to add your own “things I wish he hadn’t said” in a comment!

#08: “How much money do you have left?”

#12: “You remind me of my half-sister Liza-Sue.”

#25: “My ex ripped my heart out and stepped on it. Totally trampled it. Would you like to have drinks tomorrow night?

#58: “So I went on a date this past Thursday with this other girl…it was really fun.”

#102: “I’ve been chaste since I broke it off with my fiancé 3 years ago.”

#113: “I can’t wait for you to come over, baby – I’ve been practicing spanking watermelons.”

#146: “I don’t usually date girls with a few extra pounds on them, but you’ve got beautiful brown eyes.”

#189: “One time in juvie…”

#215: “Look, my coat check tag is 69! I think we’re going to have a good time tonight. Hi, I’m Dave, by the way. So, what are you doing later?”

#257: “You’re the most famous person I’ve kissed… which I guess, doesn’t say much for who I’ve dated.”

#278: “Does chloroform turn you on? Cuz, it turns me on.”

#301: His chosen pet name for you is “Moose”

#355: “Hey luv my date for Sat wuz canceled my cock is urs all weekend now”

#403: “Look we can go for drinks if you want, but while you sit there prattling on, I’m just going to be picturing you naked in a hotel room. So maybe we just shouldn’t bother.”

#418: “Damn girl that is a phenomenal ass, looks like two hams fighting for position. mmm! That’s baby makin’ music.”

#444: “I’d like you to meet my imaginary friend, Hebert.”

#502: “The last time I came here with a date, she made out with the bartender.”

#504: “The last time I came here, I was with my cousin. We made out… Should I not have told you that?”

cartoon stolen from xkcd.

Technology and Affairs of the Heart

Poor Sandra Bullock. Apparently, she received an apologetic letter from one of Jesse James’ mistresses via fax.

I didn’t know people had personal fax machines any more. Hadn’t the scanner and the PDF replaced them? Clearly, an “I’m Sorry” Hallmark card is passe. Perhaps, a fax retains more sincerity than an email or a facebook message.

The tabloid sites say that James met this Other Woman via MySpace. Remember those days when husbands used to meet stripper mistresses at strip clubs?

I know I’m not the first blogger to bring up the subject, but it’s amazing how technology has changed the way we meet people, date people, and break-up with people. We know we’re in an age of hyper communication. Thanks to our smartphones, we’re never out of touch. Gone are the days of landlines and dial-up modems only (yes, I’m old enough to remember late nights before wikipedia and craigslist). And gone are the days when our only means of meeting prospective significant others involved leaving our cozy apartments.

Let’s think about this…

If we want to find a date/one night stand/long term relationship we can log onto okcupid, match.com, eharmony, craigslist or myspace. We can find those “missed connections” from the subway platform or establish a flirtation through dating site aliases. Maybe we can coordinate a single’s night through a facebook group.

Then we meet someone and exchange email addresses, pins, skype names, or screenames. We go home and become friends on facebook and start following feeds on twitter or blogs on wordpress. We keep in touch/track movements through text messaging, bbming, gchat, AIM, and phone calls. Eventually, we announce that we’re “in a relationship” to the world through an avalanche of statuses.

And then we break up…

The breakup itself can happen through all the above forms of messaging. Apparently, the fax and the post-it note are also modern forms of communicating the end of the affair. In-person is always preferable, but thanks to technology, if that’s not convenient for you, a face-to-face termination can be initiated by video chat. In-person breakups are mandated only by rules of tact.

Then there’s the change of “relationship” status on the social networks followed by the defriend maneuver. Then we have to block his email address and delete him from our contact list.

There are so many things to keep track of… it starts to get a little overwhelming.

Especially for folks like me who, on top of her all the aforementioned “buddy lists,”still insist on keeping an actual hardcopy address book.  A left-click on delete is, in the end, far less messy than whiteout.

Good thing I switched to pencil…